My Pregnancy Loss
We had been trying to conceive (TTC) for 3 months when I got pregnant. I knew even before the pregnancy test! I had implantation spotting and just knew. Right about the time for my period, I started having more light spotting. I knew that could be normal, so I didn't worry. At my 6 week appointment, my OB surprised us with a ultrasound. Surprise - TWINS! But we could only see fetal poles, so I had to had hCG draws and come back for an ultrasound. After 2 more, it was for sure over. I was devastated. We decided to let nature take it's course and were instructed to call back when it happened, which was 10 weeks.
Deciding to Get Pregnant Again
We wanted to try again as soon as we could. We were instructed to come back for a 6 week "postpartum" appointment to make sure I was doing okay physically for TTC. I had my first period exactly 4 weeks after the miscarriage, and assumed I was ovulating around the time of my appointment. We were given the go ahead, so go ahead we did. Unfortunately, it appears my body knew I wasn't quite ready physically or emotionally. For the next 5 months, I was kept in limbo. My cycles seemed kinda weird, so I'd get my hopes up every time that it was because I was pregnant. Looking back, I think it was because my hormones were still imbalanced and/or I was anovulatory. I was devastated that it was taking so long, and went between grieving my loss, to guilt that I was grieving what was "just" a miscarriage so hard. Finally one night at a women's worship event, I was bawling my eyes out watching all the pregnant women and new babies, knowing my twins would have been due the next month. Two wonderful women came to talk to me. I was amazed that here were these women with 2 and 4 kids respectively, bawling over their previous losses! They assured me that it was ok to grieve. That the pain never fully goes away and that I will always miss my babies. That was more healing than anything anyone had said to me thus far. To be able to embrace the pain and know it was a real part of me - not something I needed to get rid of - was amazing. My next cycle was suddenly normal. Like my body was finally ready again. Again I knew I was pregnant even before testing because of the implantation spotting. But thankfully that was the only spotting! When we went in at 6 weeks, we got an ultrasound again, only this time there was a beautiful little alien (if you've ever had an early ultrasound, you'll know what I mean) with her heart pounding away!!
- Cry. Grieve. It's okay. You're supposed to. Use the time to research. I never would have know what I did by the time we got pregnant with our daughter about pregnancy and childbirth had it not been for the months it took to get pregnant.
- If you're doctor's not nice about the miscarriage - CHANGE DOCTORS! They work for you! Find one you really connect with and takes you seriously about your beliefs about pregnancy, loss, and childbirth.
- There are communities of women out there, even on the internet, who have been there. Connect with them. They can be your rock in hard times when no one else seems to get it.