My sister came in town tonight in preparation for watching our kids while Kevin and I go to Houston tomorrow. We went out and bought some stuff, so I stocked up on pregnancy tests, always rechecking the web stats for which is the most sensitive.

I did it as soon as I came home, right before midnight. It was negative. I went back to stare at it a few minutes later and it was a faint positive! I was so excited. I asked my sister to look at it too, she agrees with me!

Upstairs, I was in a panic. What should I do? I called my good friend Krista and told her the good news. She knew I was terrified because of the last pregnancy, the surgery and everything.

We were talking when Kevin came upstairs to show off his video camera. So he's taping me talking to Krista. I pulled out the test and asked if the camera had a zoom. A few seconds pause and he says, "See, I told you it would work."

I can't believe I'm pregnant. I'm so scared.

February 12, 2000:
Four Weeks, One Day

Just a few hours after the first test, I repeat it again, because now it's technically morning. The same results.

I've got to get on a plane and fly to Houston. It feels very similar to what happened with my last pregnancy, though I was flying home from Las Vegas. I tell myself I won't be fearful.

At the airport I call my midwife and tell her I have a new client for her. She laughs and says maybe I should become a midwife and take these people. I tell her I cna't take this person. She asks why not.

"Because it's me!" She is very excited and worried with me. She asks when I'm due, because she knows I've already figured it out: October 21, 2000. The exact same due date as with my last baby! This baby is meant to be...

February 13, 2000:
Four Weeks, Two Days

Another positive pregnancy test this morning. Though Kevin wants to know why I need so many to convince myself it's true. I suppose that it's my way of "measuring my hormones." He doesn't buy it.

I show Krista my tests, all three of them. She laughs and understands me and the need for all the tests.

Later I show my friend Jim, all he can say is, "That's nice." I asked him what his problem was and he says he can't think of anything other than I peed on those sticks. Men.

There was also two separate incidents of discolored mucous today. I'm terrified once again. No one knows what to say to me, but it can be very normal and is not dark at all.

I remind myself to breathe...

February 14, 2000:
Four Weeks, Three Days

No spotting. I'm slightly nauseated. The plane trip has tired me out.

Kevin and I agree to tell nearly no one, particularly our families. We aren't ready to deal with the disappointment that they will experience.

I tell myself to forget...

February 18, 2000:
Four Weeks, Six Days

All is well, though I'm busy, exhausted and very cranky. I've got a long training to lead this weekend and I'm hoping to get through it. My mind keeps wandering, though amazingly not about being pregnant.