From the article: Don't say that!
Having a miscarriage, stillbirth or other pregnancy loss is a horrible experience. During this time and the time after, what women and their families need differs widely. Some families want to be alone, others want lots of friends and family to gather for support. Knowing what to say is difficult. There are plenty of things you should say (You're young, you can have another baby, it was meant to be...) but there can also be plenty of right things to say. What has someone said to you that helped? Care to share a story of something not so sensitive? How do you handle this? Share Your Experience
Height of Insensitivity
- Hubby and I started trying in May 2012 and wer over d moon wen in July I mised my period den doc confirmed I was pregnant. V told every1. August went in a blur. Den came september. On D 10 morning I saw spots of blood on my panty. Paniced I told my husband. V raced 2 d hospital and I was confirmed that my baby had stoped growing at 6 weeks. I shuld hav bin 10 weeks. I was admitted 4 a D&C. Both of us just huddled and cut off from the outside world for more than a month.(Hubby is a Free Lance n works from home) Finally v told every1 wat had happened. Most of our friends were kind enuf, understood I guess, and asked nothing more than "how are you?" But there is this older guy father of two who cornered me and said harshly, "Height of stupidity Girl, You just couldn't bother to take care of yourself, could you?" We then took a trip to Hubby's home so we could break the news to his folk face to face. MIL's response, "Oh My Bad Luck! I wil never hav Grandchildren." and ran off crying .
- —Guest Kitty
Hurtful comments that just don't help
- I received so many hurtful comments after my miscarriage at 7 weeks. I got the "it just wasn't meant to be", "you can just try again" and in response to the miscarriage being caused by a blighted ovum, "well there technically was never a real baby because it never developed". And what made their comments worse was the fact that everyone I knew expected me to just get over it. Now after having testing done, I learned that I may never be able to conceive again or keep a pregnancy, so it has made me even more upset. And what was everyone's response? "Maybe you're just not meant to have a child." Yeah because that's even more helpful. : (
- —Guest Guest123
in our pain The Lord stands with us
- As i write i am going through my third miscarriage. I am 10 weeks.I lost a baby at 12 weeks 6 months ago,and another at 13 weeks 5 years ago. I have shared with friends in the past but have come to realize that most people do not regard a miscarriage as a lost child so this time round only my husband knows what is going on. I know God understands my lose since he says that 'before I formed you in the womb I knew you...' He knows each of my three kids by name and they are safe in his arms. So I have made up my mind to trust him with them. The child in the 2nd miscarriage was particularly had to let go. He came out in one piece and losing him(I believed he was a boy and had named him Josiah) was heartbreaking. I did not want anyone trying to comfort me with cut and dried answers and I was turning into an emotional disaster until I decided to entrust him to the Lord. I still have a lot of unanswered question for God, but choosing to trust him has given me peace amidst the pain.
- —Guest annak
- i had a miscarriage after 5weeksi got a d&c,and took the whole week off work.the first day i went to work this guy starts telling me to buy a dog if wanted to play with something,and started telling me funny things,i was so hurt because he doesnt know the feeling of a miscaarriage.so in his words i was betteroff raising animals than a baby.i'm still hurting at the loss and at whaat he said and he said it infront of a crowd of people.
- —Guest owame
What NEVER to say
- My first pregnancy ended in miscarriage at 6 weeks. I knew even before my expected period that I was expecting, something just felt odd about my body. Me and my partner were overjoyed! We went out and in the short time frame bought a baby book, clothes and we managed to tell everyone within 1000 miles our good news. I was so hopeful but also young and worried over finances, which I confessed to a friend of mine who was also pregnant but further along. When the miscarriage happened I went to the hospital where she phoned to ask how I was doing. I told her it was a confirmed miscarriage and her response was "oh. Well that's okay, are you even sure you wanted it anyways?" After about a full minute of stunned silence on my part I just hung up. For the record, YES I wanted my child! Then to make it even better i went home where my MIL informed me "it's not a huge deal, it's for the best," and that it would "happen again". People don't understand.
- —Guest Ally
20weeks and mc/stillbirth/incompetent c
- It all started in October. On the 26 i went in for my big u.s at 5 months they said it was a boy, his spine and organs were developing perfect but she found my cervix funneling "very bad DO NOT LEAVE THE HOSPITAL." They said dont worry but we will set up a emergency u.s for 630am tomorrow. I agreed. The next morning i was lightly cramping but thought nothing of it (i was 16 and did not know that was bad) i got to the hospital with my now husband and they made me sit ther for a hour.when i went back they started the u.s and said your having the baby today. And its slim to none that he will live. So they told me to go up a floor i almost fell the cramping was much worse. They put me on a magnesium drip trying to stop the contractions but it didnt work. His foot was out of my cervix he keep kicking. And 5 hours later Alexander was born we were hoping to hear anything but didnt.. he look like me the most. He was very developed. He looked like a baby but small and red. I love him everyday.
- —Guest babyalexaliveinourhearts
- I personally have never had a miscarriage but my Daughter has had 2 and my oldest son and his gf have had 2 and my youngest son just experienced his 1st this past week it is divistating to know that i have lost 5 beautiful grand babies breaks my heart. but i know in my heart we now have 5 lil angels in heaven looking down on us. dont know how you women do it I will keep you all in my prayers
- —Guest della
- When I was going to the epu for the last time to confirm my baby had died,my partner was inviting another girl out for lunch behind my back,that was an actions speak louder than words moment for me
- —Guest kerry
- I was also told I had a blood clot where my placenta was,o was told all the things to be aware of,and I should be ok,I wasn't. Everything felt different about this pregnancy. The day before my birthday I spent hours in the hospital,to be told I was having a missed misscarrige,this was Nov 10th 2012,I was 8 weeks pregnant.on my birthday,I had massive scary blood clots and a lot of blood. I miss my baby,but I would have spent 7 months worrying if I might have lost it anyway. It's harsh for some people,but I'm glad I lost him early,if I was going to,I'm glad noone said it to me though!! I'm 7 weeks pregnant again,(bit of a shock!!) It's Feb 2013. Hopefully nature will be kinder to me this time. Good luck everyone
- —Guest sam
How to move on
- I was 8 weeks pregnant and loss my baby over the constant arguing with my husband we have been trying for seven yrs and this was the first pregnancy and I lost and he showed no care it really destroyed me and I was forced to divorce cause I wasn't able to heal
- —Guest Sincer
Wrong thing to say
- You wrote for your blog "There are plenty of things you should say (You're young, you can have another baby, it was meant to be...)" Those were none of the things I wanted to hear when I suffered a miscarriage last December. As a matter of fact it comes off as insensitive to bring up having another child to the people hurting when some of us held that little person. No I think saying nothing is better than saying anything like what you wrote.
- —Guest Kork
My So-Called Friend
- I was at a point where I was getting back on feet and my daughter and I were doing great. Started a relationship and a year later, I found myself pregnant. Though surprised (was on birth control), I looked forward to having the baby-excited by the blessing from God. When IT happened. I miscarried. I'm on the phone with my so-called friend who tells me, "well, you really didn't need another kid right now anyway." Shock, anger, hurt-after screaming at her, I ended our relationship. It was the last straw in a long history of arguments we have had. WHO tells someone that is crying over a child they wanted, that they didn't need the kid? Crude and rude-I still get angry just thinking about it.
- —Guest Jessica
my sister muiscarry at 9 weeks
- absolutley haert broken for my sister shes just rang to say shes lost her baby at 9 weeks im feeling sooo sad for her she in pure shock want to be there but feel she also needs time to herself to greive with her partner i carnt even amagine whats she going through buy she knows how much i love her and im a phone call away dont want to ring her at the wrong time to be honest never really had someone so close to me to loose a beautiful life! what do i say and not to say all i could say is for her to greive peacefully with her boyfreind alone no mider of epople its only me my mum who know the other family members couldnt give a toss! i told her there is hope!! xxxxx i feel pain for her so much! i love my sister to the moon and bacvk and my baby neice or nephew rip! :(( angel baby
- —Guest sis and her angel
Loss at 7 weeks
- I'm having a miscarriage right now and I don't know how I'm suppose to feel about it. This is my 2nd mc. Me and my husband of 9 yrs have been trying to have a baby for so long, with infertility treatments finally got pregnant, We were so happy but now it feels like my world is ending and all my husband says when he sees me crying is I need to get over it, stop thinking about it and distract myself with other things. He is usually very caring and supportive so I don't know if this is his way of grieving or what. I just can't stop crying for some reason. I hope things will get better soon
- —Guest Maggi
I love my little Angel
- My story is not so different from y'all's. I got married on December 1st 2012 and a week after our honeymoon my husband took me to the clinic due to the fact that I was having pregnancy symptoms. The Doctor have us great news we were 2 months pregnant! We cried of joy and we gave our families the great news! Everybody was happy for us! Until on January 17th, I went to the ER because I was bleeding a little and after sonograms and the vaginal camera they gave us the worst news, I was having a miscarriage, we couldn't believe it! My husband and I cried, our family and friends cried with us too. Two days later I went back to the ER because I wouldn't stop bleeding and it was the rest of my baby and the placenta that I was discharging. I felt the contractions and even thought they were very painful I will go through it again for my baby. We are praying so God can bless us with another little angel. So ladies don't give up your faith and hope because you are not alone! God bless y'all!
- —Guest Erika
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