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Readers Respond: Things to Say and Things Not to Say After a Pregnancy Loss

Responses: 206

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Having a miscarriage, stillbirth or other pregnancy loss is a horrible experience. During this time and the time after, what women and their families need differs widely. Some families want to be alone, others want lots of friends and family to gather for support. Knowing what to say is difficult. There are plenty of things you should say (You're young, you can have another baby, it was meant to be...) but there can also be plenty of right things to say. What has someone said to you that helped? Care to share a story of something not so sensitive? How do you handle this? Share Your Experience

My miscarriage

I had a miscarraige at 5 weeks and after my husband told his mother she texted me and said she thinks we need to wait and we are not ready to have children yet, we need to travel first... Who the eff says something like that to someone who just lost their child? I don't even want to have her be the grandmother of my children now
—Guest Sarah

Family members hurtful admission

I had to have a d&c after I discovered at the 12 week scan that my child had severe chromosomal abnormalities. Just 5 weeks after having the termination - and totally, utterly, depressed devastated. A family member (who knew how depressed I was) declared - I'm pregnant and it will be born on your birthday - that should cheer you up! How insensitive! I can not bare to talk to this person anymore - because she actually knew how her comments would hurt me. She was only 4 weeks pregnant when she told me. She said she thought I'd like to know and that she wasnt going to tell the rest of the family until her 12 week check up - I know she told me first to rub my nose into it. I'm 42 it was my last ever chance to have a child - she is 30. I cannot forgive her for hurting me at my lowest time in my life.
—Guest Avril

Still greiving

13 weeks lost my baby 5yrs ago and still greiving. When to my Dr. told me could not here the heart beat, that night we went to my motherinlaw's house and lost the baby there. My mother in law told me good thing God took the baby because you never know what the baby will turn out to be. Neither my husband or my mother in law comfort me.
—Guest Guest o

Losing my Child

I had my baby girl when I was 23 weeks pregnant... (Weak cervix).. She was born 10/25/13 and on 11/27/13 she passed away and today is only 12/3/13. I'm sad about it but I know that it wasn't meant for her to be here. It does to hurt when I think about her, but I know if she had lived to here this story and the battle, if she was anything like me, she would say, " It's okay mommy. I know you love me. stop crying. You and Daddy better stop fussing with each other cause you're angry. Smile." Her name was Emoni Milan Young. My blessing. But one thing I hate hearing is when people say, "You're young. You can have another one..." YES, I KNOW THIS BUT THAT DOES NOT EASE MY PAIN. I believe in Jesus whole-heartedly. And I doing fairly well. and so is her father. We are just trying to be there for each other... Time will heal...
—Guest Ebony

upsetting comments

I had a miscarriage on Xmas eve 2011...i was absolutely devistated as we had been trying for many years. At a family meal I couldn't control my emotions and began to cry uncontrollably.....only to be taken aside by a close family member to be told please stop crying your upsetting everyone. Luckily enough my sister in laws mum was there whom told me....i know how your feeling I had a miscarriage too.....
—Guest claire

Miscarriage times 2

I have had two miscarriages this year. One at 9 weeks and one at 11 weeks. It's is horrendous. Anyone that tells you that 'it was just ment to be' or 'it's natures way' is really not acknowledging the loss. They are trying to justify and fix a situation that often has no rhyme or reason. You have no control over what happens in the first few months and that is really hard. When people say oh so they know what's wrong with you?? It's like no obviously not otherwise this horrible stuff would not be happening to me would it? When you are perfectly healthy and already have a 2 year old child, no experts really have the answers. You feel helpless and useless and I'm likely to feel really anxious during my next pregnancy until the little darling comes out into the world healthy!
—Guest Morgan

Devastated

I miscarried a few days ago. I was 12 weeks, started bleeding after sex, called the out of hours GP, waited until morning, called my GP, was told there was nothing I could do, bleeding got a lot worse, went to hospital, they sent me home, later on, the cramps were so painful I was crying and screaming and there was so much blood, rushed to hospital in a ambulance. I was in for three days. Lost a lot of blood. Went through a lot of pain. Was sick countless times. Body went into shock a few times. Had to have surgery to remove my baby. By far the worst experience of my life. Devastated. My partner and I bought a puppy to help us focus on something else, now he ignores me to play with the dig. I'm still in so much pain. I'm exhausted. I'm not coping. I cry myself to sleep every night. But he would rather sit on the floor with the dog than give me a hug or kiss. I don't know what to do.
—Guest Lady

Worse thing to say after a miscarriage

"How did you let yourself miscarry?" This was asked by my sister-in-law's oldest sibling - as if I could prevent the loss in the first place.
—bluorchid

Sad

My period was one week late. Did a urine test it came positive. I got so excited and told my sister before telling my boo ( I was thinking of throwing a surprise for him ). 2 days later I started bleeding. I got freaked out and went to the Dr straight away. He told me I was 5 weeks pregnant and lost my baby. He had to do a vaginal ultra sound and cleaned my womb. Told me it was for the best. I was in a weird situation with my man. I didnt know where to start?! I got pregnant and lost it before having a chance to throw a surprise. It happened so fast. I am very upset with myself :-/. I never had a chance to meet my baby. I feel terrible. But at the same time. I know my baby is in a better place and God will take good care of him. And I hope that one day I'll see my baby when it's time. Little Michael
—Guest Dawn87

what not to say after a miscarriage

i loss my baby at 7/8 weeks :( i wanted a baby so i was so excited and looking foward to motherhood after my mc i had people ask me was i sure that i was even pregnant? i should have been relieved that it happened, i should have learned my lesson, i shouldnt have been happy that i was going to be a mother a 20, cus thats too young to have a baby, why should age determine if a person is ready to have a baby? i was told don't have another one, it just wasn't meant to be maybe God thinks your not ready for a baby.really tho? are u serious?! if a person a mc its best just to not say anything at all. just be there for me! sometimes just being there counts.
—Guest tese

Broken

I went to my first dr appointment 3 days ago. I was 8 weeks pregnant and they couldn't find a heartbeat. I was informed then that I would miscarry and at the time my bf of over a yr kissed me and held me and told me everything would be okay. The next day, he told me he was leaving me. Talk about adding insult to injury.. As if my emotional state wasnt fragile enough now the one person that is supposed to be by my side to support me in the time I need it most decides to abandon me. We were both really excited about the baby which we both just KNEW it was going to be a boy and even started picking names. When I asked for an explanation about why he was leaving me he just talked in circles. Nothing he said made much sense to me and I felt as if he was just beating around the bush. That not even he himself was believing the crap he was saying. A day after that he decides to come clean and tells me he's angry with me and that he blames me for the m.c. Maybe well stay together, maybe not :(
—Guest Dabba

coworkers suck

Ive had two miscarriages. One at 13 weeks then one at 7 weeks. I wad given a beautiful little girl in between. I told me boss Two days after the second misscarriage and her response was I'm sorry but i wonder what's wrong with you.... That was the last thing i wanted to hear! I didn't even know what to say. The wurst part is pretending to be ok. That way you don't seen like a bother. Unless you've actually have lost a baby puerile dint understand
—Guest twoangelswaiting

L.G. My nephew or niece

It is such a deep cut , family is torn apart, it's hard to accept but I wanted to take the pain away , my kid sis I didnt want you to go through this , nobody deserves it, your always on my thoughts hoping to bring you up from this fall, lay there with you but I remember you to puff out your chest , your baby wouldn't want to see you down , it was a wake up call to all of us , we got to live life to find our purpose , life is beautiful , precious , so valuable , love you kidSis
—Guest Cherry

Sympathy

I have been there 11 times, but I do have a daughter. My partner does not understand the pain and the guilt that I go through because I cannot carry a child. Or the pain and the guilt that I go through because I cannot give my daughter a sibling. I don't really believe that children are real to men until they are here. Then they can be proud of them, but in the meantime women have to grieve their loss alone. I am not bitter but just grieving the loss of my daughters family. However, how lucky am I to have a child!!!
—Guest Lucy

also don't say

please don't say it just wasn't meant to be....ugh.
—Guest sharon

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Things to Say and Things Not to Say After a Pregnancy Loss

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  5. Things NOT to Say When Someone Has Had a Miscarriage

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