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Readers Respond: Things to Say and Things Not to Say After a Pregnancy Loss

Responses: 215

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Updated January 14, 2010

Having a miscarriage, stillbirth or other pregnancy loss is a horrible experience. During this time and the time after, what women and their families need differs widely. Some families want to be alone, others want lots of friends and family to gather for support. Knowing what to say is difficult. There are plenty of things you should say (You're young, you can have another baby, it was meant to be...) but there can also be plenty of right things to say. What has someone said to you that helped? Care to share a story of something not so sensitive? How do you handle this? Share Your Experience

Things To Say

I had a miscarriage and D&C on 3/22/13. It broke my heart into a million pieces. One because I know the joy of bringing a baby to this world. Things too say would be,"Sorry for your loss.", "Would you like to pray for your baby?","It happened to me and I know how bad it hurts.". NEVER say,"It's for the best.","It would've been sick anyway.". All women love their unborn babies. We would love them sick, retarded, deformed or perfect. I'm pregnant again and I will love this baby even if it's not born because we all deserve to be loved. Especially to a cruel sinful world that we gladly got to miss if we aren't born.
—Guest Heather

Fall out with mother whilst MCing

My partner & I both have a boy each from previous relationships but are engaged after being together for 5 years. When I fell pregnant I was so exited to be cementing our family & giving our boys another little brother or sister...we excitedly announced the pregnancy however found out at an early ultrasound (after having some very bad pains & suspecting an ectopic) that there was no yolk sac, heartbeat & blood tests showed dropping hormone levels. I was heartbroken...my partner, boys &friends were very supportive &loving when we explained I was loosing the baby. I told my mum the scan didn't go well etc & her response was "oh dear,..at least it's not ectopic eh? What are you up to this weekend?" .she has never been very motherly towards me but this broke my heart, I wanted to scream ..I miss carried before I had a chance to get to surgery....it was so painful & upsetting I felt she had let me down again. This had made my experience 10x worse. Now we have fallen out..I feel irreparably
—Guest MrsC

its not easy

I am 36weeks preg,I pray every minute that I give birth safely because anything can happen.i never had a miscarriage but I can relate to all woman who lost their babies because I don't think its fair every bby deserve a life.no word can comfort a grieving mother.if u don't know what to say then don't say anything!
—Guest khomotso

Still trying to cope

I lost my sweet baby girl at 17 weeks. I still get comments that just don't help me find peace at all like, "it was never meant to be", "someone else was destined for her instead", "you already have a boy and a girl", "the lord works in mysterious ways", and "a third baby would have made things difficult for you anyway". Not only that but now that I miscarried and my husband and I decided not to try again, seems like everyone in both of our families are having babies and almost all of my friends as well. I'm getting scolded for letting my grief get in the way for wanting to avoid people who are currently pregnant and those who recently had a healthy baby. I just wish people would realize it takes longer for me to come to terms than it would them and that I'm not weak or trying to use the loss to get attention.
—Guest TH

Loss of my baby

I lost my baby at 22 weeks due to a weak cervix. It was the saddest day that my husband and I went through. He was still born and me and my husband got to hold him before they took him away but I cried for days and we are still saddened till this day. We were told that I can have more children but when that happens I will have to have stitches in my cervix. The loss of any child is hard on a parent, but to know that their is hope and now I know something can be done to prevent this from happening again makes me feel a little better. We are getting through this little by little and everyday gets a little bit better. So to parents that read this it is hard but you will get through it and there is hope.
—Guest Nicole

M/C

I just m/c the day b4 valentines day this year. Have a 15 yr old daughter and the pregnancy was very unexpected. He & I were both excited. I passed my baby in the toilet Sunday morning...devastated and still am. Wanted this baby so bad. Everyone had comforting words...nothing negative to say. I cry when I go into stores and see baby items....it's hard but we do plan on trying again ASAP. I'm 34 and so ready. I named my little angel cuz I knew in my heart it was a boy. Hope to conceive again soon. Praying for all who've had to deal with a devastating loss as such. Love u all.
—Guest Lana

abnormal

When a woman should feel like a woman. Doing what only we are supposed to do. Carrying a baby. When things went wrong it left me feeling less than a woman. Years have passed and still no comfort. Try again. You only lose a baby when something is wrong with it. You would not want a retarded baby. I understand. What did you do? You will be alright. The lists goes on and on. Looking back I know I needed validation. I also needed anyone to act as if there was a loss. A huge loss. My child. My baby.
—Guest hopefuldreamer

My miscarriage

I had a miscarraige at 5 weeks and after my husband told his mother she texted me and said she thinks we need to wait and we are not ready to have children yet, we need to travel first... Who the eff says something like that to someone who just lost their child? I don't even want to have her be the grandmother of my children now
—Guest Sarah

he doesn't understand

I was pregnant at 5weeks in november 2013 ,my boyfriend had mixed emotions and asked me "did I think of aborting" I said I'd never , I forgave him and he was willing to except my choice to keep our baby ,a few days later I started bleeding and they had to do a d&c to remove the baby , ill never forget the pain I felt the day my baby left my womb never , I told nobody in my family I thought its to soon so I grieved alone all my boyfriend could say was "its better this way , it wasn't meant to be , we were not ready maybe next time" , ....i was ready he wasn't now I'm angry with him and I hate him yet I still love him ......I hope no woman has to go through what I am going through now
—Guest almost mom

put it the other way round

i've heard people say "you are still young, you can have another one", this sounds realistic either, but obviously not worth it...you can say something like, "the baby knew dis wasn't the right time to be born,but it had chosen you as its parents..believe me, the baby will return back and this time...will stay with you till your last breathe"..as simple as that...!!!
—Guest siddhi

Family members hurtful admission

I had to have a d&c after I discovered at the 12 week scan that my child had severe chromosomal abnormalities. Just 5 weeks after having the termination - and totally, utterly, depressed devastated. A family member (who knew how depressed I was) declared - I'm pregnant and it will be born on your birthday - that should cheer you up! How insensitive! I can not bare to talk to this person anymore - because she actually knew how her comments would hurt me. She was only 4 weeks pregnant when she told me. She said she thought I'd like to know and that she wasnt going to tell the rest of the family until her 12 week check up - I know she told me first to rub my nose into it. I'm 42 it was my last ever chance to have a child - she is 30. I cannot forgive her for hurting me at my lowest time in my life.
—Guest Avril

Still greiving

13 weeks lost my baby 5yrs ago and still greiving. When to my Dr. told me could not here the heart beat, that night we went to my motherinlaw's house and lost the baby there. My mother in law told me good thing God took the baby because you never know what the baby will turn out to be. Neither my husband or my mother in law comfort me.
—Guest Guest o

Losing my Child

I had my baby girl when I was 23 weeks pregnant... (Weak cervix).. She was born 10/25/13 and on 11/27/13 she passed away and today is only 12/3/13. I'm sad about it but I know that it wasn't meant for her to be here. It does to hurt when I think about her, but I know if she had lived to here this story and the battle, if she was anything like me, she would say, " It's okay mommy. I know you love me. stop crying. You and Daddy better stop fussing with each other cause you're angry. Smile." Her name was Emoni Milan Young. My blessing. But one thing I hate hearing is when people say, "You're young. You can have another one..." YES, I KNOW THIS BUT THAT DOES NOT EASE MY PAIN. I believe in Jesus whole-heartedly. And I doing fairly well. and so is her father. We are just trying to be there for each other... Time will heal...
—Guest Ebony

upsetting comments

I had a miscarriage on Xmas eve 2011...i was absolutely devistated as we had been trying for many years. At a family meal I couldn't control my emotions and began to cry uncontrollably.....only to be taken aside by a close family member to be told please stop crying your upsetting everyone. Luckily enough my sister in laws mum was there whom told me....i know how your feeling I had a miscarriage too.....
—Guest claire

Miscarriage times 2

I have had two miscarriages this year. One at 9 weeks and one at 11 weeks. It's is horrendous. Anyone that tells you that 'it was just ment to be' or 'it's natures way' is really not acknowledging the loss. They are trying to justify and fix a situation that often has no rhyme or reason. You have no control over what happens in the first few months and that is really hard. When people say oh so they know what's wrong with you?? It's like no obviously not otherwise this horrible stuff would not be happening to me would it? When you are perfectly healthy and already have a 2 year old child, no experts really have the answers. You feel helpless and useless and I'm likely to feel really anxious during my next pregnancy until the little darling comes out into the world healthy!
—Guest Morgan

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Things to Say and Things Not to Say After a Pregnancy Loss

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  4. Complications of Pregnancy
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  6. Things NOT to Say When Someone Has Had a Miscarriage

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