My Current Pregnancy
Currently experiencing natural miscarriage
My Pregnancy Loss
We lost our first baby at 11 weeks, 4 days ago. It still feels surreal. I started spotting after a nap but told myself that it was normal pregnancy spotting and my midwife agreed it could be. I didn't start to worry until the spotting turned bright red and increased in volume. I miscarried at home the next morning and went to the ER to confirm 'there is no baby' as the ultrasound tech put it. We are still in shock and so sad. We hadn't expected this pregnancy and our fears had just turned to excitement and plans for our family. We did not realize how many dreams we'd already dreamed until our little one was gone.
Deciding to Get Pregnant Again
We will try again as soon as we can. I have been advised to wait two cycles and will. In the mean time, I will eat well, exercise and help my body prepare to be pregnant again. I will get a memorial tattoo of my little one. I will experience those overwhelming moments in every day life when the pain hits so hard. I will open a bottle of wine and wish I was still pregnant and couldn't have any. I will continue to tell myself it wasn't my fault. I will keep asking for and receiving the support I need so dearly from others. I will realize this is not only painful for me and that I am not alone. I will hope and pray for our child to be in my arms soon but I will never forget my first little one. My doctor said that we should enjoy our upcoming Christmas together and expects this will be our last one without a child. I dearly hope he is right.
- Having a miscarriage is such a personal experience and I think we have to listen to our own very personal inner wisdom to heal. If you need to cry-cry, don't hold it in. If you need time, take it-don't feel obligated to share or even see others. If you need to talk about it-talk, and don't be afraid to laugh-it is not a betrayal to feel good and it is not a betrayal to dream new dreams. And for those of you that 'did everything right' but still have devastation and unanswered pain as a result, please do not blame yourself. Repeat this often to yourself and fill the words with kindness and love- it was not my fault.