A Not So Happy Holiday
The winter holidays are supposed to be cheerful, family oriented times. For those who suffer from infertility or have lost a child, these days can be miserable ones.
"The holidays are so difficult for anyone who has lost a child/pregnancy or suffered from infertility. You think so much about what could have been instead of concentrating on what you still have to be grateful for. I guess that's the most important thing to keep in mind at this time of year." -- Patty
There are many things that you can do to make these times more bearable:
Be kind to yourself!
Many people suffer from depression around the holidays. If this means that you don't go anywhere, so be it! If this means that you take a vacation instead of spending time with your family, do it. Take what you can, and excuse yourself from the rest. Read a book, get a massage, spend time alone or with your partner, do whatever feels right.
Remember the lost.
Speak of the baby that you lost. Name your child. Place a donation in his or her name for a worthy cause. Light a candle.
"I find it so heartwarming when others remember John Steven. Whether it is just a little comment, or like today. When we went to church, Sarah and I took a small Poinsettia to put on his grave and I found that two other people had placed items there....a small decorated Christmas tree and a small Christmas wreath. People should remember that these children will always be a part of us and we will never forget them," Julia reminds us.
Share your pain.
Maybe you haven't spoken of your infertility before. Maybe you never told anyone you were pregnant and miscarried. The holidays may be the perfect time to share this with your family. Perhaps you could tell a few close relatives, or answer probing questions honestly.
"I get so tired of the endless questions," says Amanda. "It's hard to reach out, and yet it's hard to be isolated. Sometimes I feel a burning desire to tell, and yet, it's hard to speak the words."
Start a new tradition.
Maybe the old traditions hold memories that are too painful, or maybe you need to do something with more of an adult theme. Through your own party, go visit a nursing home, make an ornament or other decoration, do whatever helps you and you enjoy!
Being around children.
This can be both difficult and bittersweet. While you may want to see the little ones, it can hurt. You might even feel guilty for not wanting to see them because they remind you of what you don't have or have lost. These feelings are valid, and again, do what you can handle. If you can't handle being near little ones, try to avoid them. Or you might try taking a special child or two in your life out alone, lessening some of the pressure. If buying gifts for the little ones are hard, you can either have someone else buy, go in with a group for a present, or go with something that is unusual and easier to shop for (catalogs, zoo memberships, etc.).
Planning for family gatherings.
This can take on several issues at once, including, dealing with your family, stress, children and more! You might try taking your family in smaller doses. Look into the possibility of staying in a hotel so that you can enjoy the family and yet still have the possibility of escape if you need it. Say yes to what you feel up to, but turn down anything that you don't feel that you can handle. And do not feel guilty for taking care of yourself.
What you can do if someone you know is suffering.
- Be willing to listen.
- Let them know that you remember.
- Be patient.
- Ask what you can do for them.
- Learn about infertility, miscarriage, loss and grief.
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