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November 19, 2000:

Lilah's naming was today and I was a total wreck! So many people, many of whom I wouldn't know very well, in our home. I tried to clean but Lilah cried every time I put her down. It started out as a very stressful day.

Luckily my friends all came over to help during the party and it came off without a hitch! I was even able to relax and enjoy myself. I was moved to tears as I listened to our Rabbi talk about the wonders to come in Lilah's life. Her Hebrew name is Nasa, which is as close to Nissim as we could get and still have it be female. The party was perfect.

November 20, 2000:

I'm lost in a sea of thank you notes and trying to rest. I spent so much energy yesterday that I am physically sore today. I also think that all the people holding Lilah and passing her around made her a bit off kilter. She's nursing a lot today, so maybe it's a growth spurt...

November 22, 2000:

Lilah had her three week check up today. But it started with a bang as most things do these days. Isaac woke up with spots! Turns out it was just a contact dermatitis, so everything there is fine.

Lilah is doing all of the things she's supposed to be doing, like following you with her eyes, responding to voices, vocalizing and even some she not supposed to be doing like rolling over. The bad news is that she has still not regained birth weight. Her pediatrician isn't too worried, saying we don't know how low she dropped. She encouraged me to really work on supply and nursing, and requested that we come back in 2 weeks to have her reweighed.

I have to admit to feeling like somewhat of a failure. Not only that but Kevin feels the same way. He's going to force me to eat more and rest more. Does that mean naps???

November 23, 2000:

Her first Thanksgiving! It was quiet and fun. My sister and her family came up. The kids played in the basement, even producing a Thanksgiving play to show us and the other grown ups cooked while I napped and nursed. Couldn't have been better!

November 24, 2000:

Last year at Thanksgiving I wanted to be left alone. Truth be told if I had withered and died I wouldn't have minded. I was depressed and distraught. I had just lost a baby, had major surgery and lost part of my body. I never believed I'd have another baby. I meandered through my pregnancy barely believing it either. And here she is.

Despite the physical tiredness and the aches and pains, I am totally in awe of her and my life feels much more complete.

November 25, 2000:

It's just after midnight and I'm feeling very much like a failure. In trying to be proactive I took Lilah to see the lactation consultant on Wednesday to have her watch us nurse. Since it all looked fine, she wanted us to do a test where you weigh the baby, feed them and weigh again to see how much breastmilk they are getting. Lilah and I went in last evening.

She started off being weighed in and had lost more weight! So I was trying not to get discouraged, blaming it on a difference in scales. But then after nursing her for 40 minutes she hadn't gained an entire ounce. So we got sent home with formula.

I know she needs to be well nourished, but I still feel like a failure. I feel like I've done something wrong...

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