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February 20, 2000:
Five Weeks, Two Days

Today, Benjamin (who is 6), told me that he doesn't want anymore babies because they take too long to grow up. He doesn't know yet, and we're not ready to tell them. I just found it quite funny. Hilary is 8 and she said another baby is great as long as the baby is a girl. Isaac probably doesn't care as long as the baby likes Blue's Clues.

When will I spill my secret? Not sure. I actually joined a pregnancy list last week. Then I choose a name for the baby - Nissim. It means Miracle.

A miracle is what we need, or have experienced to have this baby.

February 22, 2000:
Five Weeks, Four Days

I actually read a pregnancy book before bed. I'm trying to be happy and pay attention as opposed to my normal coping methods of ignoring everything.

Sometimes I even think that my abdomen is beginning to pooch out around my previous incision which had previously looked very strained. Kevin told me he thinks it is sticking out a bit.

I want to tell everyone. It was all I could do not to add my name to the Due Dates List, see who was paying attention anyway.

I've created a bunch of things in my brain that don't necessarily make any sense. Like, I won't add my name to the due dates lists until we have several November 2000 moms on that list. I just want a normal pregnancy.

The kids are being wild, and I love them to death. Though Isaac has jumped on my belly several times, it's really scary. I'm counting the days, though until when I don't know...

February 24, 2000:
Five Weeks, Six Days

I had some pain today. I started to panic. I finally just went to bed to get away from the fear, the pain wasn't that bad.

Every time I go to the bathroom I wipe about five dozen times looking for spots of blood. We've got new rules in the house!

  • No pink toilet paper or tissues
  • No decorated tissues
  • No flushing anything
  • No leaving anything in the toilet
  • No scaring mommy!

Okay, I'm warped I know it. Although right now i can honestly say I'm living in fear! I can't believe I've known for two weeks. It's flown by but at the same time it'd dragging...

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