12/22/97
This was the most horrible week of my married life. I was hurt, and frustrated and wanted to be all alone. Now the interesting part of this little tale is that my husband had nothing to do with it. He got the brunt of the storm and he came through it like a trooper which ticked me off even more. Let me explain...
Four things are seriously wrong. My husband can't fix them, I can't fix them no one can. I feel frustrated and useless, I'm a disappointment as a wife. And to add to my mood it is raining so hard out we may have to build an ark. I am sad that my whole family is spending Christmas together at my sisters, except for me. Not anyones fault we don't have the money to go. Okay fine I can be grown up about this. Then there are all my friends that I miss, some couldn't make it to my wedding so I haven't seen them for a year. Which is the longest time ever. But these things happen so I'll deal with it. Next my job has ended until next April I should be thankful I will work again, that is more that most. Here is the big one I have completely failed in the wife department. I am not pregnant.
Now interestingly enough I am not due to get AF until New Years so why am I falling apart already. BECAUSE I know this isn't the month. After spending so many months talking myself into it I should know. So I should just do like every other month and live with it. Right but instead I migrate into a shell not even my husband can penetrate. Last night after a completely silent dinner I got up and walked out stating I was going for a drive. ALONE !! He didn't say anything just continued to watch t.v. I had to get out of that house.
I drove around for two hours finally driving by the ferry landing and seeing a friend was on shift. So I ended up talking to here in the booth for three hours. So I had been gone for five hours and not once did I think to phone and let my husband know I was okay. I didn't care, I wanted him to feel some pain. He doesn't understand how I feel. Not his fault he was born without a womb.
Well after talking to my friend she was saying how happy she is that we got married and that we are perfect for one another. She has known my husband his whole life and I made him so happy. I really am his perfect mate. Well now I feel like crap, thinking how can I treat him like this. It isn't his fault. So I went home. He was sitting on the couch and didn't answer me when I said hi,don't blame him. So I just went up to bed. I though you did it this time, but two hours later he came to bed and this morning kissed me good morning. All is forgiven, then offered to take me to Mexico after fishing season is over. What a guy.
I did do one unselfish thing this weekend I prayed for a friend to have a happy healthy pregnancy. There were problems, so I got some friends together and started a prayer circle. Not in my nature at all. I'm happy to report things with my friend are %100 perfect. Amazing what the power of positive thinking and a little help from the guy upstairs can do for you.
Anyone see the lesson here? At the moment I don't but I'm sure when I read this a few days from now it will become very obvious.
