12/17/97
I'm mad, I'm upset, I'm feeling so frustrated. I want to yell, I want to throw things. Nothing is right. My favorite saying is that the Universe will always balance things out. Especially when the bad stuff happens, I really believe they happen for a reason. Even with that belief I don't always embrace it with open arms.
Okay maybe this is PMS, no AF did not arrive. I know I'm just feeling so angry hearing so many ladies that are not getting what they want for Christmas. My faith is on shaky ground. Oh boy better duck that bolt of lightening is about to strike me. Watching t.v. and hearing all that child abuse and children that aren't really wanted or better yet a child is conceived to keep a man. I'm a by product of that little scam.
I am NOT prepared to have my period arrive this month. How sweet its due on my birthday. Hey why not it arrived on my wedding night. I'm starting to find the higher powers humor a little annoying. I got so emotional when a lady from the Home arts forum announced her pregnancy. I cried. I don't even know this woman. My husband asked why I was so teary eyes I told him he just shook his head and walked out of the room muttering something about not understanding women.
We are so connected through this journey. Nothing else matters except that we all long for a child. You see if women ran the world things would be so much calmer. No war because that meant we had to send our children out to certain death. Why would a Mother do that? Sorry my mind is wondering today, my fingers can't keep up with my mind.
I feel so unconnected with the rest of the world. All my friends now have children. So when they talk to me it's like they have to explain everything very sloooooowly to me. Since I don't have children how can I possibly understand what they are saying.
Several times a day I will stop what I am doing and think I can't wait until I do this and my child is sitting watching me, or laying on my bed watching my soaps and my child will be lying there sleeping beside me. And I will be content.
If you don't have children something is wrong with you. That is the message I see. I watch Rosie, I love her. She has done exactly what the world didn't want her to do. Has two beautiful children, no husband and works full time. Her son will be so enlightened.
I still have fleeting moments of selfishness. Such as maybe we shouldn't have children because then I can't spend time with my husband, or I can't just go fishing. This moments use to be very frequent but for the last six months they invade my mind for a very short time.
Do I feel inadequate as a woman because I am childless? I mean I will have a child, some how some way I will not be childless forever. I will be a Mom, it just isn't happening fast enough for me. How much pain and anguish I am suppose to endure. Am I suppose to be proving something, that I will be strong enough to raise a child? Questions so many unanswered questions.
I know I am setting myself up for heartbreak again. I am so determined I will be pregnant this month. Why do I do this to myself? New Years Day is my test day. We all have them I already know I would be due September 7, 1998 if I am. The names are ready so am I.
I just want to feel connected, to my husband and my family. To the rest of the world.
