12/15/97
I write so much better when I'm upset. As you can see I haven't written for awhile. My life has been busy and full. I'm not sure when this journal of mine became interactive. I ponder over each email sent to me. Many thank me for my honesty and helping them realize they are not the only ones to feel like this. Others cause me to rethink some things. I have had some wonderful advice that has made me re-evaluate my thoughts on certain things.
I have let my feelings towards my sister go. I have looked at it from her side. The grass is not always greener. I have started to do remind myself of things I will no longer be able to do once our little family of two has grown.
Spontaneity is out. We love to fish, just my husband and I gone all day. That will be impossible to do until the children are old enough. We may not be able to go sit in a boat alone all day until we are in to our golden years. I have been listening to friends complain about the price of baby-sitters at New Years. The evening after dance tickets, dinner, drinks, new outfits and baby-sitter is up into the hundreds. Many find it is just too much money. We don't have that problem yet. But when I think about it once we have children I doubt we will be going to the New Years Dance. My priorities will have changed. Most of my friends that have children had them in their early twenties or teen years. They missed a lot. I on the other hand, didn't miss a thing. My husband and I have out grown the party scene.
I have also noticed that when I hear someone is pregnant again I grade them. Sounds stupid but I do it almost unconsciously. Such as a couple that has been married for a few years just announced they were expecting. I was genuinely happy, no negative thoughts. Then a lady I met through the Internet has told us she is expecting. I started to cry I was so happy for her. Finally a girl from my husbands work announced she was pregnant again. She lost the first, because she was abusing drugs, anyway she is with a guy that beats the living daylights out of her for fun. Well I immediately think hey no fair, why should she get to have a baby. They don't have the right life style, and they are not going to do right for this child. Listen to me, excuse me who died and left you King.
Okay so at least I admit it. I'm not the nicest person around. I should think as my Husband does that maybe this will change things for them. Yeah right and I've got a bridge up in Brooklyn to sell you. So sarcastic, I know. It's one of my talents. I have learnt not to voice my comments as much. Especially around my Husband. He never has a harsh word for anyone and is truly happy for anyone getting married or having a baby. He only sees the good in things. I sure hope our children take after him in that respect.
So today I seem perfect to conceive. Temp down, CM is egg white, cervix no where to be found. I just have the feeling this is the month. A jingle baby. How perfect my birthday is in 11 days maybe this will be my wonderful present. Of coarse I feel like this every month. I try not to get to wound up because I know stress could effect the egg. Easier said then done.
I want to make sure I am grateful for what I have now. Which isn't always easy. I tend to dwell on the rotten stuff, just in my nature I guess. So I am starting a gratitude journal. I know Oprah has been pushing it for awhile. I just never thought it would do me any good. I think it will be handy once I have those four children running around the house and I will need to remind myself how I got to that point. I married the perfect man for me I try to remind him of that every day.
I really believe I have married my soul mate. They say babies pick their parents. I just hope I'm sending out the right karma. I know there is a special child out there just waiting for the right time. I want to be able to tell my children everyday how much I love them. Writing things down is a great way to get your priorities in order. It is also handy to re-read what you wrote about longing for a baby when its a 3 am feeding and your beat.
