12/09/97
Along the way I have meet some wonderful people. Some only into the journey a few months but still having those doubts, ladies at about the same junction as I am. Then there are those who I can only image the emotional roller coaster they are on.The women who have been at this years. These women have such hope and courage I applaud them.
I have also learned some lessons, I need to remember only I know the whole story. I need to let you all in on the subtleties of my life. I also need to learn that not everyone is going to agree with me. Which is fine. If I have the freedom to write this journal you all have the freedom to think what you will.
At times I seem to forget that not only are we dealing with the concept of trying to conceive but the world is still revolving. All the other problems have not gone away. In fact we may push them aside as we try so desperately to conceive.
My husband talks about the future a lot. It may be next week or next year. He doesn't add the baby, as I do. Let me explain, I'm sure I'm not alone in this. He talks about a wedding we are attending next August. I start to calculate if I was pregnant this month how far along I'd be. I say to him what if I'm pregnant, then we can't travel. He says but your not right now, don't get the apple cart before the horse.
You see for the past year I have little markers in my head. Each month I move the due date up. Everything surrounds a child that doesn't exist beyond my mind. My husband thinks its crazy. Why worry about something that hasn't happened yet. MEN!! How I wish I could just let it go like him. But I can't.
So I have these little deadlines, like Christmas. Well I have one chance three days from now for that to be a reality. I don't have much hope. So now Valentines is my next goal. My husband will be going fishing sometime after that for who knows how long. I want this to happen before he goes.
After his doctors appointment he didn't come right home. I was rather worried about him. I was on him the second he came through the door. The doctor has put him on pills for the diabetes. Well I was expecting that. The diet wasn't bringing his blood sugar down. The next hit me like a ton of bricks. The doctor gave him pills for high blood pressure. He is 31, what is going on? Well now my priorities changed in a heart beat. He is my life, I need to concentrate on him.
Have I started to neglect him with this demanding compulsion I have? He never complains, in fact he likes all the sex. Again MEN !! Well I know he has to be well before we do anything. He is my life. So we still have the appointment on the 29th. The doctor hopes to see an improvement so he can go off the pills. He has a stressful life with the family company. Everyone is this family depends on him for financial support. I know his Father thought he was showing his love by leaving my husband the company. It has turned into a nightmare.
I tell him I love him everyday,I tell him he makes me happy everyday. I write him letters when he is only going to the store. Yes I do want a baby just as badly but the child has become my second priority. My husband has to be my number one.
Do we really think about how our actions are effecting our spouses. What if their are other children already in the household. Are there needs being met? This wonderful event has turned into a obsession, I just don't remember when. Our friends that were married last month are away on a honeymoon, they have a six year old boy already. People are making bets she comes home pregnant. One friend had the nerve to say I guess that is why you aren't knocked up you haven't gone on a honeymoon yet. Before I could reply Hubby said, hey she had a wedding. This friend is single, and she well lets say she likes a variety of men.
The comment didn't really hurt me, I just thought whatever. This "friend" has a girl, doesn't know who the father is. So it isn't like her opinions are very qualified.
As I sit here, my husbands fishing partner is here. I can almost see his blood pressure rising. He hasn't sold the rest of their product yet. I should have been sold over six months ago. Needless to say things are a little tight here. I know he will be very moody after this person leaves. Maybe I'll stay out of his way awhile. On second thought, I'll tell him I love him, that he makes me very happy and well get some more practice in. If you know what I mean. Wink Wink......
