12/08/97
When I started to write this journal it was to get my feelings out, instead of hoarding them inside. I should have realized others may see what I write differently than what I had intended.
A young lady e-mailed me and basically told me what she thought of my feelings toward young Godfrey. I think this needs more explanation. I forget that you all don't know the dynamics of this unhealthy relationship I have with my SIL.
The child is now 5 months old, we haven't received a picture or any news on him since he was born. The parents didn't phone to tell us of the birth another sister did. When they did phone it was for us to send the child shower gifts. We had to hear about his operation from people in town.
I have suffered verbal as well as physical abuse from this woman. She would do anything to get my husband to leave me. Luckily my husband doesn't hold much credence in anything she says. He tries his best to ignore her. When he goes out fishing the nasty phone calls and rumors from her start.
I know this child is not to blame, as the young lady made quite clear. But I will never be allowed any type of relationship with this child except for financial. This is why I can't allow myself to start feeling anything. This young woman said it isn't right that I could love my sisters children so much and not want anything to do with his sisters children. There are eight grandchildren and 18 great grandchildren that I have fantastic relationships with. My sister and her husband have done everything in their power to make sure we are very in touch with her children and we participate in there lives daily. Even from this distance.
His other sister married just a year longer will most likely have children and I can't wait. When and if this other SIL moves back I doubt she will want me to have anything to do with the boy. My husband is looked at as a bank account by them. So this young lady has made me think about my feelings. But I have never meet him and don't even get phoned with any details on his life. What am I to do. I don't want to make an effort to have the door slammed in my face. Which is exactly what will happen.
Children are a true blessing, I have no control on what this SIL intends to do with her child. No matter how much I disagree with her actions during pregnancy and after. So I am feeling the need to defend myself. Should I have too? My husband understands my reluctance to embrace this child into my heart. What would you do. No child is worth more than another. If I had the chance to know this child who knows what could happen. Her two other children are 24 and 21, I don't have a relationship with them either. Neither does my husband they only show up for money. So I'm building walls already. Yes I admit it. But what am I suppose to do?
