12/05/97
December 5, its hard to get the Christmas feeling when the weather is so beautiful, this El Nino is being very kind to us in this part of the country. I have a lot of support with the people who know about our trying times. All except my sister.
This is very strange, my sister and I had moved a lot when we were young and the only constant in our lives was each other. She is three years younger, married with two incredibly gorgeous children. Yes I'm biased. Whenever we have a problem we are always there for support and encouragement.Needless to say I am rather surprised at her attitude towards this misadventure of mine.
I don't know if she just doesn't know how to handle it or she really is that cold towards the whole idea. Her apathy is so frustrating. She has always talked about me having children that she can spoil. After the wedding I told her the problems we were having. All she said was maybe we weren't meant to have children and at least we have hers. I was stunned, I just walked away from her.
Last night I told her about having the on-line journal and all she said is I hope you didn't put your last name in it. I just changed the subject until she said why worry it hasn't really been that long anyway. This from a women it took one month both times to conceive. I said we had taken tests and it had been two years without protection and the last eight months we have been making sure when I ovulate to have sex. She just signed and said how did you get your husband to do the sperm test hers won't even do it after the vasectomy. I said he knows how much this means to me and didn't find it that big of a deal.
I'm making her out to be a bitch, she isn't. The speech she wrote for my wedding was incredible. She was my Matron of honor. I wish she would just not say anything if she doesn't know anything comforting to say. I know when I do have a baby she will be the first one to help out.
I never wanted children when I was young, I said I'd never get married. My parents had a horrible divorce. My sister and I got shipped off to Aunts and Uncles across the country at the drop of a hat. When my sister had Samantha that changed my whole life. She was due on my birthday but showed up New Years morning instead. I was away at college I had come home but left on my sisters birthday the 30th of December. When I got the call I was happy but went back to sleep, rough new years party. I didn't see this precious child until she was christened at three months. Once look I was in love.
I have spent a lot of time with her since then. She was the first to show me unconditional love. Never had that before. Even your husband to some extent can't give you that. No matter what I have done, she still loves me. We talk at least twice a week on the phone since they moved away. I see her at least once a year. I love my nephew also he is two. I just have a stronger connection to Sam.
She doesn't want me to have a baby she says its bad enough she has to share me with her dumb brother. My nephew Matt is completely in love with my husband. I just about cry when they are together. My husband is going to be a wonderful father.
I see in the newspaper two more friends that left the island had their babies. They had all been married a few years before us. Who knows maybe it took them awhile to conceive too.
Reading back on these last entries I seem so depressed. I'm not. I have a wonderful full life. I do think about having a child everyday. It will happen. I was thinking I should have agreed to see any doctor about the tests. Maybe this month is useless because one of has something wrong. Then again maybe Santa is listening and this is the month I have been waiting my whole life for....
