11/28/97
It all starts out as the perfect fairy tale. Boy meets girl, they fall in love, and get married. Some variation on the house with the picket fence but they are happy. Then have a baby.
Okay I've mastered the first part but this last quest has gotten beyond my reach.The crazy mood swings, thinking could this be it, for days on end. Feeling no control what so ever with my body.
All around me are very young girls getting pregnant as well as a sister-in-law well over forty.The constant questions, as to when we will be having a child. These people are well meaning I'm sure, some of them are people I truly love. That doesn't stop me from wanting to strangle them when the constant questions arise.
I have only been married two months. Happily I might add. He is everything I ever wanted. We were together 51/2 years before saying I do. So I should be content with learning the ropes of being a wife. The best way for me to show him my love is to have a child with him. It all started last spring....
It is April 1997 and my fiance is about to return from fishing. He has been gone for three months. While he was away I had plenty of time to think. I want a baby. Our wedding wasn't until September but I didn't really care. I thought this would be okay I'll just get my dress let out. Well into July still nothing. At this point I'm making excuses with the stress of the wedding, and my dress was so perfect I didn't want to have let it out. At the end of that month my Sister in law had a boy. My husband and I as well as the rest of the family don't care to much for her. This next little item should explain why. She named the boy after her father. Which is my husbands name.She knew we planned on naming our first born after my husband. She said she did it because she figured I couldn't have children any way. She got pregnant hoping to cause a problem with our wedding but she had the child two months early. He has kidney troubles and is in for a very sad and tormented life if he has anything like his older brother and sister dealt with.
Okay month 5, I figure what a wonderful wedding present to give to my husband. Tell him I'm pregnant on our wedding night. Nope instead my period shows up. God certainly has a sense of humor.
Month six well our first month wedding anniversary would be a perfect time for such and announcement.
Month seven, I feel like curling up and dying. So many of my friends are pregnant or getting ready to deliver. Still everyday someone comments on my lack of pregnancy. His family making comments about the fact that he deserves a child so I had better hurry up. My husband has been fantastic, always supportive, and forever trying to take my mind off of it. Got a doctors appointment, simple blood work for me and a sperm count for him. He isn't worried at all. I on the other hand am sure I've got some strange disease and I'll never be able to conceive.
Which brings me to date, November 28, and my temperature dipped this morning. Not below the coverline but the tell tale signs are appearing. Sore lower back, tender breasts and spotting. Charting has helped bring some of my sanity back. No more worrying about where I am or not.My husband took me for a walk on the beach today and made me breakfast. I know he hurts to and feels powerless. I felt bad so I wrote him a love letter today just so he knows I appreciate him. Time marches on, I turn 29 in 28 days. Will I have the only birthday present I really want ? Next week the test results.
