02/06/98
As I watched the opening ceremonies it dawned on me that I could be carrying a future Olympian. I could be creating a genius, a author, and actor a doctor. The possibilities are endless and a little daunting. What a responsibility. A clean slate, this life has no mistakes or regrets, a child to be raised and cared for can be anything he or she wants. And finally the world is more open to the possibilities for women. I find this exciting.
I also sit here and think, now what the heck do I do? I need to raise a decent human being. How do I do that? When I'm not always the most upstanding citizen on the block. What about outside influences? What can I control, what do I want to control.
None of this has hit my husband yet of coarse. He is still living in the little bubble he has created from all the ego stroking he has gotten from his friends. Its that sperm thing again. I on the other hand am already deciding on the play school. I wish I could relax more, but as the hare said there is no time, hurry hurry.
I have to consciously make myself look on the bright side. That's me Miss. Pessimism, sorry just one of my quirks. One thing I really hope my child does not inherit, my outlook on life. Anyway when I read all my books I tend to memorize the scary parts more, I have re-read the part about miscarriage and all the bad things that can happen. Meanwhile my doctor says I have a perfectly healthy child being created their are no ominous signs. Give me a minute and I'll think of some.
I know there are things in me that need to be healed yet. I should fix them before the baby arrives. They say you just put your baggage onto them. Don't want to do that, it is a cycle I'd like to break, I have been living and dealing with my Mothers baggage since my birth.
So this clean slate I've been handed, I don't want to live my life through my child either. But exactly how do you not do that? All these questions are things I will have to find out on my own. Will I know enough to give this child a fighting chance at being healthy and happy? Will I suddenly go crazy one day and just not be able to handle it? You see, right back to my childhood, just because Mom did it doesn't mean I will. But my Mom only has two daughters. So far my sister has been a great Mom, so that leaves the odds that I'll screw it up.
Now if my husband read this he would be very puzzled. He feels I'm one of the most confident people he knows. I very strong and I am a survivor. Yes I am. Now how do I take that and translate it into becoming a good parent? I can't learn by example. I didn't have much time with two parents, and the one that raised me well she has her own set of rules. I know she did something right somewhere, I have a wonderful life now.
Aside from the physical stuff I still don't feel pregnant. Not so tired these days, but the nausea is still lurking. Of coarse if I'm feeling to good I think something has happened to the baby. I just can't win. I know its hormonal too. I mean I was crying my eyes out watching Dorothy Hamal in the Legends of Ice. Some commercials leave me close to hysterics.
I am at 10 weeks now, still praying every night to hit that 12 week mark. Then what? Has being pregnant turned out to be everything I wanted? Not sure yet. It hasn't fixed any of the problems I had before getting pregnant. But it has made them much more bearable.
