01/09/98
I am dealing with the hardest thing ever in my life right now. I feel out of control, and completely helpless.
Early Thursday morning around 3 am I woke up to go to my usual trip to the bathroom. Got this down to a science don't even wake up completely anymore. I don't turn the bathroom light on even. For some reason I checked the tissue before flushing even without the light I could see the blood. I quickly flipped on the light. There it was not very heavy but pink. I felt sick, I wanted to pass out.
I went and laid down, but after an hour I had to get out of bed and lay downstairs on the couch. I didn't wake my husband didn't want to upset him. I got out all my pregnancy books and started to read. It didn't look good, it looks like a miscarriage, only there is no pain. I lay there all night waiting for the clinic to open.
I called the nurse she said to come in for a urine test, see if I have an infection. Well the spotting had stopped. I felt relieved. Still went to the bathroom every few minutes to check. The nurse had told me before I left if cramps start and it gets heavier, I'm definitely having a miscarriage. Can't do anything for you so just go home and wait. I realize she deals with this every day but I NEVER HAVE.
I finally tell my husband what the nurse suspects. He refuses to believe it and says it will all be fine. So I wait all day for the phone call hoping its an infection and it'll be alright. No call all day. Finally at 7pm my trip to the bathroom shows more spotting. Much lighter than the morning.
I climb into bed. My husband comes in and asks what is happening. I tell him it isn't good. I'm losing the baby. Again he refuses to believe it. I have no emotions, I feel like stone, I just want him to leave me alone.
After about an hour laying there in the dark I start to cry. I understand that it is for the best. I know now I can get pregnant. It is suppose to be a blessing in disguise. It just doesn't make sense I don't have any other symptoms. I still feel tired, and my breast still hurt.
Morning comes the spotting is barely visible. I actually slept quite well.Except what woke me up is the fact that my breast feel like they are on fire and I am extremely hungry. I check, less spotting than the night before. I call the nurse she says I have no infections I am very healthy. I relay what has happened in the last 24 hours, she says I need to talk to the doctor I'll call back.
So I wait, thinking this will be good news, what she tells me first is the doctor says it sounds like an impending miscarriage BUT some women spot and we have no idea why. If it gets heavier or cramps begin to call immediately. Hopefully this works itself out and there is no problem.
Well it hasn't spotted for the last three hours. I called my friend the nurse, I start crying right away. She explains things to me in more detail. She says it could be nothing. There is that chance and it is good news that the spotting has stopped. Could be the placenta starting and its aggravating the cervix. My cervix bleeds very easy, especially with pap tests. So she says unfortunately it is a waiting game. Day by day but the longer the spotting stops the better.
She said she'll call me later make sure I'm okay. I sent my husband away. I can't deal with him right now. Its his Mother's birthday and he is cooking her supper. I wish I could just crawl in a hole until this is all over.
I think the worst part is not knowing. I want it to happen one way or the other. None of this in between stuff. I know I should not feel guilty it has nothing to do with me. And it proves I am perfectly able to get pregnant.
I am praying a lot. I feel so empty, I'm still dealing with my pregnancy symptoms. I even started taking my temperature again, it is still way above the coverline. So I take that as a good sign.
I've come to far to have to start over again. I know I'll survive this whether I want to or not. Just once I'd like to have something in life that I didn't have to scratch and claw to get. On that note, I'm staying positive things will turn out.
