June 23, 2001

Twenty five years ago today, I lost my son Michael at birth. They say time heals all wounds, but I'm not too sure about that. I remember the pain as if it were only a moment ago. The tears still come, but do not blur my vision of him. Then I remember the miracle of the angels and my heart lifts. The story I'm about to tell you is true.....

I found out shortly after getting to the hospital that day Michael was dead. My husband was so upset, he left me there to give birth alone. We were fairly new to Colorado at the time, and had no family or friends to offer support. Although I was the only woman in the hospital giving birth that day, I was left alone for the next 4 hours. When a nurse finally came to check on me, the baby's head was crowning and I was immediately taken to delivery. Michael was born a few minutes later.

The delivery room was quiet at his birth. The doctor and nurses worked silently. Then one of the nurses told me to roll over on my side so she could give me a shot to keep my milk from coming. I was devastated. My husband finally returned, and Michael was handed to me for the first and last time. He was beautiful....auburn hair and long eyelashes like his sister, Leigh. My in-laws flew to Denver; we held a funeral, and buried him. For the next 18 months, I had nightmares reliving the day of his birth over and over again......

Nine months after his birth, I found out I was pregnant once again. I was happy, yet petrified something would go wrong. I spent the last 2 months of this pregnancy in the hospital, and all the while the nightmares continued.

When I had my first child, Leigh, they had given me a drug that left me with no memories of having her. The only memories I had of giving birth were the continuing nightmares of Michael. Because of this, it was important to me that I be fully conscious during this birth. Autumn made her way into this life to the sounds of joy and celebration. The nightmares stopped on the day she was born, exactly 18 months to the day later.

I was happy and content with my little family. My children were healthy and all was right with the world. The problems of the past had melted away and we were getting on with our lives.....

Then one day when Autumn was around 3 months old something happened. Autumn was down for her morning nap, and Leigh was at school (kindergarten). I had just sat down in the living room enjoying the silence when I heard a baby cry. Naturally thinking it was Autumn, I went to check on her. She was sound asleep. No big deal....

A few days later, the same thing happened. I heard a baby cry and Autumn was asleep when I checked on her. Still, I wasn't concerned. But the sound of the crying baby kept up over the next few weeks, and I mentioned it to my husband but to no one else.

While I was in the hospital those 2 months before Autumn was born, I met 2 other pregnant women and we ended up giving birth 3 days apart. We also became very close friends with them and their spouses and spent a lot of time together. One of the couples lived within 2 miles of us, and we saw them often. Their names were Cydney and Clay and their daughter, Sarah was 2 days older than Autumn. One day while Cyd and Sarah were visiting, we had put the babies down for a nap and Cyd and I were talking when we heard a baby cry. Cyd and I both jumped up to go check on our children, only to find they were both sound asleep. So I confided in Cyd and told her what had been going on. She laughed (naturally) and then said, "You know it sounded like a newborn's cry." I had been thinking the same thing myself and thought it was strange....a baby's cry changes within the first few weeks.

A week later, we were at their house having dinner. We had fed the babies first and put them down for a nap while we ate our meal. We were laughing and talking at the table when we heard a baby cry above the noise, and Cyd and I went to check on our babies. Both were asleep. Her husband Clay had heard the baby cry as well, and although he knew nothing of what had been happening to me, he said the same thing, "It sounded like a newborn."

Several weeks went by, and I continued to hear the baby cry. There was no rhyme nor reason to it. Sometimes I would be holding Autumn in my arms when I would hear the voice coming from down the hall. I was grateful that my friends had also heard it and was becoming more and more curious about it. Listening closely, it sounded as if the baby "wanted" something.... Anyone who has children knows that a baby's cry can be for many different things...it's hungry, it's diaper is wet, etc. I was frustrated, but at a loss.

The other couple who also had a baby at the same time lived in Evergreen, CO which was about 45 minutes away from where we lived. Their names were Vicki and David. Their son's name was Gethen. We made it a point to get together once a month and have dinner together. This particular month the gathering was at Cyd and Clay's house. We needed something else for the meal, and Vicki and I hopped in her Volkswagen to go pick it up. We left the kids with Cyd and the menfolk.

It had been a month since we'd seen each other and we were talking about what had been happening with the kids, etc. since our last meeting. (I had not mentioned "the voice" to her.) Suddenly, we heard the baby cry. Vicki looked around to back seat where Gethen's car seat was and looked to see what was the matter. Gethen wasn't there. She turned to me and started to say, "Funny, I thought I heard a baby..." when she got a good look at me. She immediately pulled over to the side of the road and said, "My God, Jan, you're as white as a ghost! What's the matter?"

Now I knew it wasn't my imagination. Whatever this was, it was following me....

So what was it? I continued to hear the baby cry. I remember standing in the hallway of my house saying, "What do you want?!?" to no one at all. It was ludicrous! No explanations were coming, and this went on for months.....by now I was used to hearing it.

Then one day I was sitting at my kitchen table having just finished washing dishes. The house was quiet and I wasn't thinking about anything in particular. I had been sitting there less than a minute when suddenly in my mind's eye I saw a group of figures, dressed in monk's robes.....(I'm a Methodist, so this is not the first thing I would naturally think of.)

The spokesman for this group told me some startling news: "Michael doesn't want to grow up without you."

"What???? What do you mean???"

"Simply that. He says he needs his mother."

I was dumbfounded. I wasn't sure what the proper response to this should be, but said, "I can't leave my 2 children here on earth. They need me, too."

The angels gathered in quiet conversation, then the one who was speaking for the group said, "Do not worry. Michael will return to the womb status and remain there until you come to raise him."

And then they were gone....

Happiness filled my heart and I immediately went to the phone and called my friends who had also heard the voice and told them the news. "We won't hear the voice again," I said. I knew this to be the truth, nomatter how ridiculous it sounded.

That was the end of the baby crying.....

And the beginning of a new faith for me in the power of angels.

They are amongst us. They hear the pleas of all humans and protect even those who have gone before us.

Death is no longer an end for me, but only a new beginning....one that I look forward to!

We mourn those who have gone before us. Our memories are filled with their presence. They do live on, as shall we.

I have always lived my life with the knowledge that common sense is my advisory and foothold....

The story I have told you is true, no matter how ridiculous it may sound. Those of you who know me, know that I would not tell you this unless I believed it and know it to be fact. Even in my wildest dreams, I could have come up with a better explanation than this!

So take heart.

My son Michael is dead, and yet he lives. I will see him again when the time is right!

I believe in angels.

Yours,
Jan