March 20, 1997:
I have been really cranky the past few days. I hate everyone! It must be bad because last night I told Kevin that there was something smelly in the kitchen. And even though he was undressed and it was nearing midnight he actually got dressed, took out the garbage and replaced the trash bag! Guess I should make a concerted effort to be nice. Nah...
Kevin actually talks about the baby as a reality now. Which is really scary for me. Despite the fact that my life revolves around pregnancy and childbirth, having a third child probably scares me more than my first! We sat down to talk this afternoon after a crying spell of mine and he pointed out that Hilary (5) and Benjamin (almost 4) will both be in school when the baby gets here, and that he will be around to help. He's right, but it's still scary. I feel guilty for having these feelings after all of the problems we've had staying pregnant! I am very thankful to still be pregnant.
March 23, 1997:
It has been a fairly quiet weekend. My daughter Hilary likes to make fun of me when I vomit. I was gagging in the car and she was yelling for me to stop. Needless to say I lost my temper. I apologized to her, but I think it still hurt her feelings. How do you explain that one away?
Kevin actually told a stranger I was pregnant. I guess that means he has accepted it. Now the secret is out! We had only been telling family and close friends, now we are telling strangers.
My emotions are really out of whack! I was convinced that Kevin didn't love me last night. After much prodding on my part he finally asked me why I wouldn't let him love me. It's hard to be loving when you feel like death warmed over!
I had to go do a prenatal interview with a couple today and I was really embarrassed about this rash around my eyes. It is from vomiting, the force actually broke some blood vessels. I look like someone has been roughing me up! They didn't notice, neither did my mother-in-law, she thought they were freckles. Maybe I am blowing some things out of proportion, maybe not?
Week Ten
March 28, 1997:
I am actually starting to get excited about this pregnancy! Kevin is too. It's really good to feel so good about the pregnancy.
Our kids have been asking a lot of questions about pregnancy and babies. I figured that they had absorbed everything I had been teaching as a reproductive health educators all these years. However, Hilary told me the other day her big fear is that the baby will come out of my nose! I quickly explained that that wasn't exactly the right place. Looks like we have more to teach them than I originally thought.
Yesterday we had our first appointment with our midwife. I really felt good about the appointment, and so did Kevin. It lasted for over 2 hours. And it was so nice to have someone listen to me and ask all the right questions. She even really wanted to hear from Kevin, not just me. So, I think this pregnancy is finally on the right track.
Week Eleven
April 4, 1997:
Wow! I'm almost out of the first trimester! It's really hard to believe. I still have a big fear that when I go back to the OB next week I will not hear the heartbeat and be told that my baby is dead. On the other hand, I went out and bought some cute little clothes to stare at!
The kids are already arguing over names. It has been spring break here this week, and I have spent a lot of time wondering why in the world I wanted more kids!!!!
Week Twelve
April 9, 1997:
Tomorrow is our next doctors appointment. I am terrified that we won't hear the heartbeat. And yet, I have to tell myself that we've made it this far without too many complications.
April 10, 1997:
We went in, and we had both been nervous all day! At first it took a bit for the doctor to hear the heartbeat, but he found it and said, "Sounds like a boy or a girl!" We were so relieved. He left it one for a very long time, I really think he was enjoying watching Kevin and I listen to that beautiful sound!
I have tried to think of the perfect words for this feeling, but nothing I could ever say would be eloquent enough to describe what we are feeling. Now a new phase begins for us, we have to really start believing that was will have a baby!
April 12, 1997:
Today at Target I saw a young girl, probably about 14 years old walking through the store with an EPT test. I was extremely grateful for my loving husband, solid marriage and my beautiful children. I wanted to go up and hug her and talk to her. *sigh*
April 13, 1997:
I woke up feeling so horrible! Kevin walked in and asked how I was doing, all I could mutter was, "If I throw up, I'm going to hurt you." He just looked at me. Then I felt worse for saying it. This has to be the roughest part!
