In a very soothing voice Kevin told me that I was doing well, and that while I didn't feel like it it was working. I tried the bath tub again and that seemed to feel a bit better. I even tried "pushing" a bit with the peak of the contraction to see if that helped. Again, nothing provided much relief.
As I got out of the tub I squatted to check myself, not an easy task! I realize now that I was really in "labor land" and feeling very mentally out of it. But at the time I couldn't figure out why I couldn't decide if I was 3 centimeters, 5 centimeters or 7 centimeters. I think I even showed Kevin my fingers and asked his opinion. But I did feel a bulgy bag of waters rather than the baby's head, so I moved my fingers away quickly so that I wouldn't break my water.
I remember having a talk with Kevin about it being my decision alone whether we went to the hospital for drugs or intervention. He totally agreed, which made me feel a lot better. Although I know that he was really worried because I even asked.
I got it together again and tried to focus on the contractions. The other pain seemed to be continuous at this point, and that made it really difficult. At some point the midwives all came back up, I think they heard I was crying. They all reassured me that I was doing a great job and we tried more brainstorming for ways to relieve the pain.
We did try this one massage lotion that had some camphor in it. Kevin also put it on my legs. It really did seem to help for a bit, and the leg massage seemed to make me feel a bit better.
All during this time the midwives had been in and out, chatting and listening to baby. I hadn't been checked, other than my own pathetic exam, which I didn't say much about, mostly because I didn't think about it.
Juliet offered to check me. She said it might make me feel better if I knew that I was further along than I thought I was. I remember telling her that even if I was completely dilated I wouldn't feel better. I remember looking at someone's watch, it said it was 1:20 p.m. I remember feeling like I had hours to go.
I started crying again. I felt very sad that I wasn't able to be one of those women who always amaze me when they labor and never seem to "lose it." I asked them why wasn't I doing well. They said I was doing well, so well they couldn't tell when I was having contractions. Later someone told me they really thought it was going to be hours because I was so calm.
Finally I actually stated the words, "We may need to consider other options." The midwives knew I meant that I was considering going to the hospital for medication.
