Next thing I knew, Joy was in scrubs with a labor and delivery nurse, and they had me sitting up in the bed with the end of it dropped down. Then they each took my arms and had me stand up on the bed so I could feel the baby moving down. I sat back in a semi-squat position with my feet on something that came out of the bed so I could push against it. I didn't feel the famous "overwhelming urge to push" you read about. I just pushed because they told me to. At that point, I would have done anything. I never put my gown back on after I got out of the shower, but figured since I felt like I would wake up in ICU, what did it matter?!
I was told to hold my legs back and put my chin to my chest and push from my bottom. The nurse counted to ten with each push and reminded me to keep my chin down and not vocalize, but put all my energy into pushing. I think I got about 3 pushes per contraction. After about 45 minutes or so, I felt a burning sensation, so I knew the baby was crowning. Robin put my hand on his or her head, but that didn't inspire me. Nor did I want to look in the mirror they had at the foot of the bed. Art stood right next to Joy, instead of at my shoulder, where I thought he would be. I could tell from the sound of his voice that the birth was imminent. He sounded awestruck. The stinging sensation kept me from pushing, so the baby kind of eased out. Once the head was out, with the next contraction, I finally did feel that overwhelming urge and just pushed on my own, no matter what anyone said. I felt the baby slip out of me, and heard Art's voice saying, "Oh, Meghan, it's a girl." Robin was telling me, look down, look at your baby coming out. I just wanted to know if it was finally over. Joy put the baby on my chest and she looked right at me. I didn't know what to think. The last 7 ½ hours were so pain-filled, that I was emotionally numb. I couldn't talk above a whisper, I didn't watch as Art cut the cord, and I wasn't ready to nurse her yet. After a few minutes, I asked Art if he would hold her. He promptly took off his shirt, and held her next to him, covered with a blanket. He held her for about an hour, while I got cleaned up. The placenta came out and Joy said I had one tiny "skid mark" as the baby came out, and only needed one stitch, just as a precaution. She gave me a local injection that I didn't even feel. After that, I requested a sandwich, and some orange juice. After about 5 glasses of juice and the sandwich, I was feeling less otherworldly. Joy asked me if I was ready to nurse her, and I said I would try. Art brought her to me, and she latched on right away. At that moment, we started to bond, and I knew things were going to be ok.
Afterward
After months of attending childbirth classes, trying to maintain good nutrition, going to La Leche League meetings, and doing everything we could to prepare, Art and I did have the birth we hoped for, but I am still dealing with mixed feelings over what it took to get there. The pain of labor was so excruciating from the beginning, that it has colored my sense of accomplishment. I feel like I merely survived, through some grace of God. I don't feel like superwoman, and I'm not sure I would recommend natural childbirth either, despite the many benefits, especially on the recovery side. I have really bounced back quickly. Now, as I write this five days after Isabel's birth, I am thankful that I didn't need a c-section or have to deal with the pain of a healing episiotomy. I find myself wondering if I would have been able to experience her birth more fully if I hadn't been so distracted by the intense pain.
After-Afterward (!)
Isabel is now 4 weeks old. My friends and family can't believe I had a baby so recently. I have really bounced back quickly. After having a month to reflect, I have concluded that Art & I did make the right choices with our birth plan and natural childbirth. As one friend exclaimed, "You did it without drugs? What a wonderful gift to Isabel." Isabel is thriving, and believe it or not, I could do it all again. I feel a special bond with her, and a deeper appreciation for life, perhaps because of the pain I experienced bringing her into the world.
