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Robin Elise Weiss, LCCE

Miscarriage and the Holidays

By November 18, 2010

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Sad Woman

It's that time of the year when families gather together to celebrate. Perhaps you were really excited about gathering around the Thanksgiving table or the Christmas tree and announcing your pregnancy to the world, but instead you're going to sit there silently an watch everyone else share joy and open presents. After having a miscarriage, its common for these family gatherings to feel really awful. Sometimes you've shared your pregnancy loss with your family and friends, though not always. And just because you've told them, doesn't necessarily make it easier on you, particularly when people say things that even when well meant hurt your feelings.

So if you're wondering what you can do to help yourself during this time of year, I'd suggest the following:

  • Have a plan. If you know how you're going to deal with looking at the babies of relatives or questions about your health, whether or not you're going to start a family or any other baby related questions you might be better off. Remember, it is okay not to hold babies.
  • Consider not going. This may or may not be a realistic option for you and your family. You might want to strategically plan your trips out. For example, can you make it to dinner but skip the kidfest of presents?
  • Be kind to yourself. Remember, this is hard for you. Don't be super woman and ignore that fact. Try to do something nice for yourself. You might consider a massage or a pedicure to lighten your mood just a bit. While it doesn't erase your pain, it might make you feel a tiny bit better as well as help you deal with the stress of family.


  • Remember, you're not alone. While you may be incredibly hurt, your partner is suffering too. No, he didn't physically have a miscarriage, but he is sad about the death of his baby and worried about you. It can be common to either cling to one another or fight - sometimes both. Remember to be forgiving when you can.


  • Get support. Find at least one person that you can totally turn to, that is not your spouse. Having a safe place to call, even when your hundreds of miles away can be very helpful. I can remember going to Thanksgiving dinner, when I'd had a D & C just days before and texting my friend with snarky comments in the kitchen. It really helped me through a long, painful dinner with family, who meant well but were off the mark.


Not every family gathering will be painful. In fact, some friends and family are incredibly intuitive when it comes to dealing with pregnancy loss and even infertility, particularly as it relates to the holidays and family gatherings. What are your tips for surviving the holidays with a hurt heart?

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Comments
December 9, 2007 at 7:28 am
(1) Lydia says:

Last year we had a miscarriage just before Christmas. We had planned to tell everyone we were pregnant so it was really hard for us to be there with our families. I wound up crying a lot in the bathroom. Before our next gathering (just a few days later). I decided to come clean and tell my mom. She was very supportive and even though she didn’t say anything in front of anyone, she was definitely running interference for me…

December 9, 2007 at 7:31 pm
(2) Shelley says:

I started doing this at Christmas time after my dad died. Each Christmas, our church has a tree which has nameless families and children who are in need or clothes or toys for Christmas. There is a list on the ornament telling clothes sizes or toy wishes My daughters and I would pick a person and go shopping. I always said that was my Christmas shopping for my dad since I know he would be pleased we were doing something for someone else at Christmas. My girls are out of the house, but they make sure they get a person from the tree to continue this family tradition. This year, I bought things not only in memory of my dad, but also in memory of our twin grandsons who were born prematurely. Since I cannot buy things for them, we purchased things thinking what toys they would have enjoyed.

November 23, 2009 at 12:45 pm
(3) Kelli says:

I just miscarried twins on November 4, so this is a difficult time for me, depending on the day… If not for my beautiful 18 month old son, I think I would completely fall apart. I am 39, so my time to have more kids is limited. I always prayed for twins, and was devastated on the day of my miscarriage when I actually found out I was carrying twins. Until that day, I thought it was just 1 baby. I am doing ok for the most part, because I know that my babies are with Jesus. I keep praying I will be able to have just one more little baby to love.

November 24, 2009 at 2:49 pm
(4) Comfort says:

Hi Kelli, I just read about your miscarriage . I am really sorry Kelli, but I am happy that U know the Lord. I had a miscarriage last year, But By the grace of God I now have a 5months old baby. God is with U Kelli. He will never leave U nor forsake U. God bless U and your family.

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